[16] Sadness And An Enjoyable Weekend
Dear You
On Thursday I went down to Insomnia for awhile and when I was there, someone gave me some very hurtful news.. Yeah.. It's about Rudy of course..
I was so hurt, I called Dea as I really needed some moral support. After that I exchanged some sarcastic messages with Rudy. When I reached home I was quite exhausted. After showering and stuff, I straight aways went to sleep...
It was quite a deep sleep and I didn't realise that I answered Rudy's call until I heard his voice in my ear.. Thought I was dreaming.
(Let me just digress awhile.)
My handphone is my life. No matter how deep a sleep I am in. When it rings, I will still pick up the call without realising it. That shows how truly dependent I am on it.
So anyhoos..
He called me around 1.15am. If I wasn't mistaken. We talked for half and hour settling things. He knows me very well. Knows that I become sarcastic when I'm upset with him for a reason.
We talked things out and I just couldn't take it anymore. All the hurt and resentment that I kept within me came bubbling out.
Which was a good thing cause apparently he didn't realise that I felt that way all this while.
Which was of no wonder.. During those times, I had kept my worries and stress in check. I didn't let on about my feelings as all I wanted was to have a great happy time when I was with him.
I'm a good girlfriend ok.. I had spent enough time with him so I would naturally be finely tuned to his feelings and would know when he has something on his mind. When that happens..
All I could think of was to make him forget his problems even though it was only temporary. Hence the joy and laughter we shared when we're out. I didn't want to burden him with my problems if I had any.
He told me of his goals and how he wanted to achieve it. I respect him for that. After all I had never been one to actually stop him from following his dreams. Rather I encouraged it.
Everything.. From the modelling to spending his time with his budak-budak to his gym to his guitar playing and to his studies.
I encouraged him. My dad has never been 1 to control my mom's ambitions and I had been brought up in the kind of environment where both my parents treated each other equally and with respect.
So of course I didn't believe in stopping him for achieving his happiness.
We discussed about our friend's upcoming wedding and I told him that since he can't go to the wedding itself. I will go while he goes to the dinner on Saturday night.
I just don't trust myself not to cry if I were to see his face and it wouldn't be fair to both Ain & Didi if I spoiled their happy night.
After we hanged up. I cried for a long time. I remembered that it was already 4 plus in the morning before I cried myself to sleep.
Next thing I knew Su called me at 7am to tell me that she wasn't going to work. After hanging up I was made aware of the painful pounding on my head.
I glanced myself in the mirror and grimaced. I looked like as if the Grim Reaper himself paid me a visit. My eyes were puffy and all the sadness were visible on my face.
Informed my boss that I wasn't coming in to work and went back to sleep till 3 plus in the afternoon. Even then I wanted to just sleep and not face any more of life.
But hell..
This is me.. I won't take things lying down. I needed to work out the stuff that I needed to do.
Reached town around 6pm and did my hair. After that went to Insomnia as I had some things to settle. Took a cab with Brother Dicky who finished work at 10pm.
When I reached home. I just busied myself but thoughts of him were always on my mind.
Anyways..
On Saturday I went to Lia's engagement with Dea at around 3 plus in the afternoon. She was shocked after seeing my new do cause I had said that I will do it on the day itself with her accompanying me. We felt abit awkward as we didn't know that much people.
But after Zul's side came over, we left amidst the excitement. Headed down to town and did abit of window shopping. Had a great time laughing.
After that went to a cozy karaoke place in Bali Lane. I don't remember the name but it was fucking nice lah..
Dea & I sang out hearts out. ( Ok we weren't exactly singing. Sometimes we were screaming & singing out of tune ) we took alot of pictures.
Somehow the happiness between us made me feel lighter till I felt that I was wrong in saying those things to Rudy. Anyway.. we all have friends right? He was with a group of friends after all..
So I called him up with the intention to apologise and to ask about the wedding dinner. I didn't even manage to ask about the dinner when he said something that burst the bubble of happiness I felt.
Apparently he was at East Coast with a friend. I was in such a happy mood that I jokingly ask whether he was on a date and lets just say that his answer wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear.
You know the saying 'What you don't know won't hurt you' right? Well.. I wished I didn't know. Sure he didn't give a yea or a nay but 'kind of' is not that good to hear too right?
The worst part was he was driving. The transportation and location is abit sensitive to me. But it's very personal so I won't enlighten you people on it. But visions of what he may be doing with his 'friend' or 'date' started to plague me.
That's when I broke down and I really mean broke down. Dea tried frantically to calm me down but I was inconsolable. I was hurt, angry and betrayed!
The feelings were so strong till it my hands were shaking. For the people who knows me.. That isn't really a good sign.
But I needn't an outlet to let go of what I felt and I couldn't target it on Dea. When she went out of the room to answer a call. I started to punch the wall. After a few punches I dropped down on the chair feeling exhausted.
We finally left 10 minutes after that and took a cab home. I stayed in the shower for a long time. Tears rolling down my cheeks, my feelings warring with each other and my mind so confused.
DAMN IT! I STILL LOVE HIM!
I am angry with myself because I know that deep down in my heart. No matter what happens. If he were to ever want to get back with me in the future.. I know that I will take him back.
Yeah.. All of you might say that this is what I will say now but in the future I will think differently.
But let me ask you people this..
Are you people me?
Are you Nor Natasha Binte Ibrahim?
No right?
So how would you know that this is what I will say now and not in the future?
Don't compare me to you.
You're not me.
I am me.
I know the kind of person I am.
I know what I feel.
So please don't say this kind of shit to me alright?
Yeah.. Some of you may say that I would be stupid to feel that way.
But hey remember this.. I a rebel. I have always been. With me, rules were not meant to be broken but instead it is meant to be obliterated.
The phoenix that rises up from the ashes emerge stronger.
So sorry yah.. I don't make a habit of listening to what people have to say. Hell.. I don't listen to my own parents at times.
So.. advise me if you will. Something like 'you can pull through this' or 'Rudy is a fool to leave you'.. now that would be nice.
But if you're going to say 'don't be stupid about going back to him' then I seriously don't need your 2 cents worth because you don't know me. You don't know the person that I am.
Please don't say that because it will make me drop down even lower. Let me slowly wean myself off the depression.
When I have my fuck care attitude back then you can say things like that ok.
When I was younger I used to say.. ' I always get what I want' and let's just say without elaborating, that phrase has never let me down.
Don't be surprised.. I have more than a few aces up my sleeves.
Yeah.. I'm very obstinate. Whatever it is I will always be right. My dad did say that instead of a rock I have a whole damn mountain on my head.
But if on some point a good-looking charming guy who could beat Rudy in the ways to make me fall in love with him suddenly appears then that would be SO FINE!
But for now that good-looking charming guy is out of reach. I have never met any guy who could sweep me off my feet like Rudy did 2 years ago and he did it in such a discreet delightful way that left my head spinning.
But anyhoos..
On Sunday I went to Ain & Didi's wedding and I enjoyed myself. Though at times when I saw couples hugging and just being loving to each other, I had to rub my chest to ease the stabbing pain in my heart.
I took loads of pictures.. Since I followed in Kak Lin's car. I took the pics while sticking half of my body out the back window. I'm PROUD of that fact ok! I took quite a few good shots that way.
Overall even though it was a hot day, it was a great one.
Everyone was joking and laughing and fooling around. The time pass by quite fast and before I knew it. I was on the train back home.
Everyone I know is either getting engaged or married. Or even married with kid or kids.The wedding triggered the depression in me and I forced myself to sleep in order to suppress it.
Rudy ever once said that this year in November, we would be getting engaged on our 2nd anniversary. But knowing him and his short term memory what with all the problems he's facing. I'm sure he will have forgotten.
The depression lasted till Tuesday. I had bouts of sadness and flashbacks so I wasn't really that noisy or active at work nor at home.
I just did my work. Speak when spoken to and read my book.
The fucked up thing is that it disappeared when I called Rudy up to ask about his sister. Amazingly at the sound of his voice, everything all melted away.
I can't lah...
No matter how angry I feel. If I were to meet him or talk to him I will melt..
Just the sight of him or the sound of his deep voice make me light-hearted and happy.
WHAT THE FUCK!
NABEI!
But no worries.. I'm still keeping my distance from him and moving the pieces of my heart away from him. Out of his reach. I'm not stupid. I will not show him that I'm vulnerable.
For now. We agreed to be friends and we will try to treat each other as civilly as possible. But I know that there will be times when the sarcasm between each other will start.
Haiizzz...
If there's one thing I wish.. I wish we could both get angry with each other outright. When both of us starts being sarcastic nobody will win till one of us back down and the worst part is neither will back down.. That is how sharp-tongued we are.
No other guys that I have been with or known has ever been able to endure my words
For once in my life.. I have met my match.
Is there any other guy like that out there?
Let me know!
Ok... I wanna go and sleep...
For those of you that are reading this through my blog on blogspot. Go to my Multiply link at the side to see the pictures that I took over the weekend..
I took over 100 plus pictures for 2 days ok.. 121 pictures on Sunday itself. Please leave nice comments about the shots ok.. Say something like 'you're the best camerawoman in the whole wide world!' ok not in the world lah..
Sounds abit too much.
How bout 'you're the best camerawoman in the whole of Singapore!'
HAHA!!!
I SOOOO have no shame lah!
Till then....Labels: I'm still feeling down
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